The Weight We Carry In This Life

 

                                                                       Black-throated Blue Warbler

This year has brought us joy and great sadness.  Throughout it all, many of us have found nature as an escape.  

Little gems show up in our neighborhoods nearby to get us excited like a rare Canada Warbler or Black-throated Blue Warbler. 

Ponds that have for years only held non-native turtle species are now becoming home again to our rare native Sonoran Mud Turtle. 

                                                                     Sonoran Mud Turtle

As we carry this covid weight on our shoulders, we find that there is adventure nearby.  As birders, we change the rules to make it more fun. 

                                                                    Canada Warbler in Pima County!

It hasn't been a year lost, but it has been a year of loss.  In 2019, I saw loved ones get sick.  Some passed away.  How could it possibly get any worse? And then it did.  

                                                                      Vermilion Flycatcher

I became VERY sick in October last year and it lasted until the first week of January.  Then covid hit.  Or did I have covid back in October?  Then friends got sick or had to go to the hospital.  Trips were cancelled and life came to a screeching halt.  

                                                            A rare for Pima Bell's Sparrow!

Not only does the US see a rise in covid cases AGAIN, but we've also experienced political unrest and environmental destruction caused by humans and global warming. Jobs are on the line. My job sees a rise in cases at the school.  How long will we stay open?  How long can this go on?? Food is on the line.  And we're still in a very sad place. There are those who have.  And those who don't. 

                                                            Great Horned Owl

Recently, four of our cats were poisoned by bad food. The older cats with health conditions died quickly. Two are still hanging on while our little ones seem unaffected. 

                                                                       Lincoln's Sparrow

And while it all seems overwhelming at times with tragedy after tragedy, there is a ray of hope.  A vaccine is coming.  Trump lost the election!  And Pima county has really seen some amazing and RARE warblers pass through our area! This week in Tucson, we are hosting a very cooperative Blackburnian Warbler!

                                                          Red-naped Sapsuckers

Somehow we are trying to muddle through all of this stress and anxiety.  I have to say that these past two weeks have been yet another stress test.  When there is time, which isn't often anymore, I go for a walk and do some quick birding to keep sane. 

                                                                       Pine Warbler

And there's a rare eastern warbler of the week showing up...Canada Warbler, Pine Warbler, Worm-eating Warbler, Blackburnian Warbler.........very strange times!

                                                                       Blackburnian Warbler

From Scratch

Crested Caracara

Every year, as birders, we start over at zero bird species seen. All of the species we saw back in 2019 are locked into the 2019 vault.  And we simply start over at zero in ebird. 

People ask me if it gets old searching for already seen bird species.  And my answer is simply, "No."

Black Vultures

Perhaps if people went to the same spots year after year.  Then that would get old for me. But I like to mix it up.  Plus there are always new rare birds to find here. 

Nothing beats a nice winter walk out in the open.  

This year, we took a walk down in the town of Arivaca.  And we discovered these ruins!

Cheroot always is happy to volunteer his time to help us bird new places. 

Happy Cheroot

The thing is that you never know who's going to fly by your radar.  Take for example, these Crested Caracaras(below).  While not super common for Pima county, they seem easier these days to find on the outskirts of town.  Their population may be growing. 

And of course, when I see these beautiful birds over and over again, I like to pause and take a longer look. 

Vermilion Flycatcher

It never gets old. January is a lovely month to stroll out in the open and observe nature in action. I just wish I had more daylight!  But that too will come, along with the heat! So no rush. I'm just glad to be outdoors.  Until next time....

Welcome Surprises

A Sonoran Bumblebee stops for a look

Summer has officially left the desert and the end of the 2019 year is coming.  As we get closer to the start of the holidays, I've been enjoying some peaceful outings with friends and family. 

Our friend Bonnie from Wales came to visit. And it was a blast getting to hang out with Sherry too! We took a nice hike in Madera Canyon to find that elusive Elegant Trogon.  

After our hike, we sat at the Santa Rita Lodge feeders and watched a Black-throated Gray Warbler take a sip from the fountain. 

Swainson's Hawk

As we took my Santa Rita bird route, we had a lingering Swainson's Hawk fly over our heads.  This bird was most likely heading south for the winter. 

With the extreme temps gone now, it's SO nice to sit under a rock and absorb the natural world around us.  

A male Vermilion Flycatcher fluoresces in the autumn light. 

This year has been all about reflection. About friends.  About sharing the experience with others. I remember those days when I did all of my birding alone, but now, I can't imagine my world without these friends. 

Bronzed Cowbird

One night after a rough day at work, I went to a local park to count black birds.  Not everyone gets into the black birds, but I like this group a lot.  I sat on a lawn at a local park and watched them feed from the grasses. When I say black birds, I literally mean any bird that is black including cowbirds and blackbirds:)

Yellow-headed Blackbirds

To my surprise I discovered many of our wintering birds are coming back!  

juvenile Gray Hawk

While some of our summering ones still linger. 

I welcome the wintering birds.  I welcome those friendships both new and old.  And I welcome back these wonderful temperatures.  Winter has come.  Next week we celebrate autumn in the Pacific Northwest.  I hope you join me for our adventures with friend and bird guide Khanh Tran.  Until next time friends.....

Inside the Heart

Vermilian Flycatcher at Reid Park

On a different note this week, I wanted to explore the theme of love.  This post was actually organized last year after watching the movie, "Call Me By Your Name".  I was a mess.  Normally, movies don't affect me in such a way, but this one hit me hard.  I had forgotten that I have a heart:) I have spent hours analyzing the beauty and tragedy of that well executed movie.  It left me days thinking about life.  I let the feelings heal like a bandage over a wound.  Two weeks later, I ripped off the bandage once again and re-watched it all.  It was like finding a box of old love letters while cleaning the closet. 

In one moment of the movie, the young man asks himself, "Is it better to speak or die?" This of course refers to keeping his love hidden from the man he loves for his entire life or risk it all by telling him how he feels even though it could have negative consequences. "The Bridges of Madison County" has a similar feel. I remember in anticipation while reading that book, 'Would she leave her husband and open that car door for her lover?' I had never read a book that brought me to tears so quickly. But when I read that book, I was still much too young to understand the depth of her pain.

 It's painful to think of the past at times with each relationship/experience we've had. Each one teaching us something about ourselves. What happens when the most powerful love, the one that consumes your every thought, explodes and destroys that inner innocence?  How does one move forward and recover from that experience?  This line from the movie caught me off guard and for days, I sat repeating it over and over. "We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new.  But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything-what a waste!"  I think back on those two years where I hid inside my apartment and became a hermit.  I was never the same after that experience.  I chose to hide my pain.

After almost 2 decades have passed, I wonder where he is and what he is doing.  Or if he's even still alive. You never stop loving someone just because they are no longer in your life.  Then I was hit by this line from the movie, "And on that evening when we grow older still we'll speak about these two young men as though they were two strangers we met on the train and whom we admire and want to help along.  And we'll want to call it envy, because to call it regret would break our hearts." 

Eventually, we both came to recognize that we were poison to one another, but the kind Romeo and Juliet took at the end.  One of the saddest days of my life was saying good-bye.  One of the most difficult things to do was not answer the phone after I had started my life again.  It's interesting how quickly that pain resurfaced when his number showed up on my caller ID. "Most of us can't help but live as though we've got two lives to live, one is the mockup, the other the finished version, and then there are all those versions in between.  But there's only one, and before you know it, your heart is worn out, and, as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it.  Right now there's sorrow.  I don't envy the pain.  But I envy you the pain." These lines!!! I'd pause the movie and think about them.

Perhaps the movie was a trigger to that deepest pain.  The what if?  The understanding of love and loss. The pain of growing older and the loss of my naivete. But knowing that if I loved someone so strongly, I would lose myself and never achieve my dreams. "Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the truth, maybe I didn't want things to turn abstract, but I felt I should say it, because this was the moment to say it, because it suddenly dawned on me that this was why I had come, to tell him 'You are the only person I'd like to say goodbye to when I die, because only then will this thing I call my life make any sense.  And if I should hear that you died, my life as I know it, the me who is speaking with you now, will cease to exist."

It was a dark chapter in my life.  I have met others who understand this pain and we have had "therapy" discussions about this destructive kind of love.  I understand passionate rage.  I understand why it makes the news.  Some of it is public and for someone like myself, is was quiet. Like the death of a loved one, it's not quite something you ever get over.  It's a scar that has mended but is still quite visible.

Oh, I am married now to someone who supports me, loves me and makes me a better me.  We make each other better.  I wouldn't be here today writing about birds or travel without his support. We've been together for 14 years.  We have a life together.  So after all these years, it was surprising for me that this quiet little movie would allow for all these emotions to resurface. It was just supposed to be a rental.  Turns out that it was beautiful poetry.  Has anything ever triggered you to recollect your past? A book? A movie?  A poem?  Or even a song?  I'll be back to the bird treks next week.  Until next time.....

The Zen of Birding

A Pronghorn is crowned by THE bird of Southern Arizona, the Vermilion Flycatcher

Before I begin, I'd like to wish everyone across the globe and living here in the US a Happy Holidays.  Have you ever purchased a holiday card and not want to give it up?  Well that's what happened to me with this pic above.  While down in Bisbee, I discovered Prescott based artist, Carolyn Schmitz's amazing talents. She captures Southern Arizona perfectly in this image of the Pronghorn and Vermilion Flycatcher!  Now onto this week's crazy adventure......

Bright and early on a cold crisp San Diego morning, we watch the Nazca Booby as the sun rises

 During the holiday season, I reject all things "holiday" because every day should be a celebration of life and kindness. However, I do love the family and friend time we get to share because of the time off.  Friend and crazy ABA birder, Magill suggested we go for the mega rare Nazca Booby in San Diego(still currently being seen).  I was exhausted from work (just finishing up the day before) and well, while this bird would be a lifer, it was a 5 hour drive to get to the bird. Thankfully Magill is head strong about these mega rarities and the twitch was on! 21 hours of non sleep would begin.......and life birds were to be found. 

Photo credit: Max Leibowitz.  He went out with several birders on the same day we were there and took this great pic! Nazca Booby

I always think, What would I do if I didn't chase these mega rare birds?  Sleep?  Drink coffee?  Be a normal human being? 🙂 This is the difference between birding and bird watching. When you're a birder who birds, you choose the bird and go without question. It didn't take long for us to find the Nazca Booby.  With the scope we saw the bird well on the buoy.  However, the details were blurred with the shimmer of the sun above the ocean water.  Now, when doing these mega rare bird chases, it's all about the speed birding in a limited time period because there are people waiting at home for you.  They are patient for only so long with our addictions.  There are, after all, human rituals like birthdays and holiday parties that we are required to attend.  It's spousal abuse I tell you! 

What do you get that special weird birder for the holidays?  A one way plane ticket to a Birder's Bed and Breakfast in some new birdy place. If you're (un)fortunately married to a neurotic birder, make sure you strategically find a place for your bird lover and YOU.  While you may like nature, you'll sometimes need a break from people who talk non-stop about birds and bird migration patterns. I'd equate the birding crowd conversation to men who love talking about statistics and football players or people who get into scrap booking while drinking white wine(from the box). Yuck! So I understand that non-birders after awhile tune out:)  It's only a matter of time before you burst forth with, "Those damn birds!"

Ok. Let's get back on point here:) Mega rarity chases require the proper use of time during this highly restrictive holiday season.  Would I have liked to take the boat out to see the Booby better?  Yes.  But if you have a time restraint, you have to get the birds.  So our next bird was the underwhelming mega rare Red-throated Pipit in the same general area as the Booby. 

Red-throated Pipit

 I'll be honest.  Pipits aren't my favorite birds.  While it took us 20 minutes to locate and ID the Booby, it took me an HOUR to properly ID this bird.  Magill found it and tried explaining the field marks to me.  I was stumped.  I didn't see it.  I'm really good with bird ID, but not with this bird.  So she patiently waited for me to get my act together and get comfortable with the ID of this tricky pipit.  An hour later, after a lot of observation near a dead skunk, I can now say that I know what a Red-throated Pipit looks like in winter plumage.  It's boring:)  But here are the markers for the serious out there.  Pink legs, streaky back, low to the ground and a tad smaller than the nearby American Pipits.  Of the three pipits I've seen, my "favorite" continues to be the Sprague's.  

A real Vermilion Flycatcher

 We drove back home through the agricultural wasteland known as Yuma. There were points where I almost dozed off but Magill masterfully brought up politics to keep me awake. Then we stopped in Dateland for a date shake.  I should have gotten the smaller size.  It tasted good for the first few sips and then there were chunks of dates. And that was gross. Someone recommended that I do a strawberry date shake next time. I'm not sure there will be a next time:) After our crazy and fun speed birding, I did my slow and methodical birding the next day. I went alone and closed my eyes.  Then I followed the bird song. 

Neotropic Cormorants

 While the wild and crazy holiday traffic (and shopping) was going on, I enjoyed the quiet of the parks and trails. 

Bird guide, Richard Fray mentioned that there were Lawrence's Goldfinches near my home. So got in my car for a quick drive.  These goldfinches are tricky and not always reliable.  On top of that, they are tricky to observe as they are often skittish and like to hide in thick vegetation.  

I've seen these birds often enough but never quite like this.  Again, I was alone and followed their song.  Patiently, this time, I waited for them to come down and feed in the open.  I didn't move.  I didn't flinch.  For an hour, I became part of the landscape until they were comfortable with me. Then I slowly moved towards their area and had this magical moment of perfection. 

Lawrence's Goldfinch

Happy Holidays everyone!  I'll be back in Maine next week with friend and birder Kathie Brown. I'd also like to thank Max Leibowitz for sharing his photo on this blog. Our scope pictures weren't pretty but thanks to Max, you can see the details of this beautiful bird from the Galapagos Island area.  Until next time.....