Picking Up The Pieces

Where do I begin?  How does one deal with tragedy after extreme happiness? Most people prefer the company of others.  I need space to breathe.  And I did a lot of birding alone in nearby locations to pull myself together. It is my coping strategy for sad moments.  

American Wigeons

It took me a couple weeks to process what had all happened.  The wedding.  And then the funeral. Why??!!!!  She was so young!

If Aunt Deborah had stayed in Arizona and not come to Colorado for our wedding, would she still be alive today?  My last words to her in Estes Park were, "I love you."  I then gave her a big hug.  When I did, I could see that she was very sick. She was frail and had lost a lot of weight over the past month. Whatever it was, it was much more serious than we had thought. 

Lesser Scaup

It had been two months since we last saw her.  She had been going to the doctors during that time to try and figure out what was going on with her health.  At the time, she didn't know if she would make it to Colorado.  But for Deborah, it wasn't a discussion. She'd be there. Period. 

My mother-in-law and her sister Deborah.  They were inseparable and always there for one another

In fact, she has ALWAYS been there for her family.  When her 5 grandchildren's lives were in jeopardy, she, along with her sister, saved them from their "mother", Deborah's estranged daughter. As a single woman on a very tight budget, she raised FIVE kids with the help of her sister.  When I first met her years ago, I had nothing but admiration for this incredible woman. She had a heart of gold. The best kind of person one could ever know. 

Female American Wigeon

Deborah was a strong woman who survived an abusive husband. After she left him, she went back to school and got herself an education in the pharmaceutical world. When her now disgraced daughter began a life of prostitution, drugs and crime, both the sisters stepped in and took legal custody of the kids. It was a tough love with her grandchildren....but it was love. She sacrificed so much for them so that they could live a good life free from the troubles of her daughter's poor life decisions. There is no question about how much she loved her grandkids.  She wouldn't say it out loud.  She would blow it off and make a joke about it all with a couple foul words.  But there wasn't anything funny about the sincerity and kindness of this woman. Actions definitely spoke louder than words with Aunt Deborah.

At at birthday party years ago, Deborah lights the candles for one of the many birthday parties. 

Deborah was very humble and deflected any compliment a person would give her.  Those who really knew her, saw her for who she really was. In the last couple years, Deborah began to live again and opened her heart up to another person.  It took a long time but she really loved this guy and he loved her back. Of course, she wouldn't say it out loud, but we saw how happy she was. I mean really really happy. She started smiling again which was a shocking new facial feature for all of us:)  I've known her for 11 years and the last two years were some of her best. To see her grin again made her family very happy. Everyone deserves this feeling, but not everyone is fortunate enough to experience it. 

Reid park near my home

Going back to the Colorado situation. On their drive back to Arizona, Deborah began experiencing breathing issues.  Once they arrived home that evening, her boyfriend forced her to go to the hospital where she stopped breathing.  She was put on life support, but it was too late. 

Gilded Flicker

Meanwhile, the rest of the family was trying to scramble back to Arizona from Colorado.  As we drove down, we blew out our tire at 80 miles an hour!  We were stranded near the New Mexico border for an evening, but we were happy that nothing worse had happened. Strangely, we spent the entire morning searching for a rare tire, not a bird, in the town of Trinidad.  We were finally able to locate just one well used tire on that very stressful morning. It got us home but not in time to be by Deborah's side. 

Agua Caliente Park

When we got to the house, there were relatives already there. At the Buddhist ceremony, we all joined together in a mass chant. The chants were loud, painful and fast. Over and over and over again. Louder and stronger it went as the Buddhist Sangha lead us through our pain. It was very healing as we all let out our inner emotion. I was so glad to be a part of my new family for this time period. 

Mute Swan

Some pray.  And others will chant. I tend to escape to the outdoors and quietly walk alone for times of reflection.  

It's a complicated thing processing true happiness and then extreme sadness. But that's life, isn't it?  It's the journey we all have to make. 

In Scottsdale

During our wedding and during Deborah's farewell, I saw the beauty and power of nature around me.  It speaks to me in ways I can't even explain. It's my church, my temple, my synagogue, and my mosque all in one. IT is my faith. The photo below was taken after the funeral on a private walk in Sierra Vista.  I had a random thought of Bob Ross and Deborah together and laughed at that strange image. 

near the San Pedro River, Sierra Vista

This post is dedicated to you Auntie Deborah. Your presence will be missed here.  Do not worry about your grandchildren. They will be loved and well cared for. And you are loved Deborah more than you could ever know. I know I know. You hate compliments and would probably say something sassy back to us.  But it's that sassy part we loved about you. It let us know that you loved us back. You will never be forgotten. 

Here is a photo of Deborah's family.  When I first met Micheal, they were all little kids.  Today most of them have grown up and one is married!  Her legacy will live on within each of these kids. 

I'll be back soon blogger friends.  It just has taken me time to get back on my feet and process everything that has happened.  Writing is therapeutic for me and it helps me organize my thoughts. I'll be back soon with my upcoming projects for the final part of this year.